So I must have been simply.. unlucky.
On face value, I'm better than normal: I'm a successful and highly valued project manager. I have an adoring husband. I create beautiful, inspirational art. I give back to others regularly as a volunteer. If we were only the sum of the defenses built around us, I would be in the top percentile.
But like you, I am more than my parts.
I grew up without any emotional attachments: bullied severely by my peers and my father, neglected by my primary caregivers, and desperately alone since we first moved house at 10 years. I learned how to withdraw, how to avoid, and how to make beautiful masks. I developed food phobias. I became chronically ill. I did everything I could to not be Like Them. So much, I buried what little I had of myself.
This dissociative ability is a gift to children, to help avoid painful emotions and memories. But as an adult, it keeps me from processing my experiences in a real and healthy way. So, I saw a specialist counsellor who was trained to help me identify and contain my feelings.
Maybe along the way, I can dissolve the masks in favour of my authentic Self, learn to treat myself with the compassion everyone else in my life lacked, and finally overcome the chronic shameful, anxious and obsessive thoughts and feelings.
Maybe then I can be your friend.
Maybe then I will belong.
