2008 to 2009
Catching you up (1 - 19)
These posts from 2008 and 2009 were compiled from a semi-private blog on a mental health forum, starting from when I first 'spoke' to a trainee GP about my feelings/trauma, to the (long) wait for counselling, seeing the counsellor at my local GP practice, trying to cope with increasing anxiety, and finally self-referring for cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
July 2010 to August 2010
Catching you up (20)
CBT (1 to 4)
After a considerably long break while waiting for a CBT slot, I started blogging on the NHS Choices Mental Health blog more actively. I only lasted four sessions of CBT before I was stepped up to the next level of care.
September 2010 to November 2010
While waiting for my next therapist, I mused on Time to Change's dating experiment, my personality disorder and infertility.
November 2010 to January 2011
Going back to go forward (1 to 10)
After a couple months, I was appointed a highly experienced specialist psychotherapist who taught me the basics of transactional analysis and dissociation. She also scared the hell out of me.
We had an increasingly poor therapeutic relationship and (in a perfect example of how therapy can sometimes be bad for you) my mental health was rapidly worsening. I was experiencing more psychotic blips (or early warning signs) and the anxiety and depression was unbearable. After one especially difficult session, my therapist said something inappropriate as I walked out of the door. I was completely devastated. So I called the Patient Liaison Service and they helped me switch therapists.
It was a very hard time.
February 2011 to March 2011
During the wait, I struggled to cope with the often overwhelming depression, anxiety and psychotic blips. I was still processing many things my old psychotherapist said. I desperately searched my past to make sense of what I was experiencing.
Ultimately I did manage to find some stability (thanks to help from friends on a mental health forum) and honed in on the fact that before I tackled my poor mental health I first needed to tackle my attachment disorder. Too bad I had no idea how.
April 2011 to May 2011
Building self-confidence (101 to 103)
Finally, I met with my new psychotherapist who was very, very different from my old psychotherapist. It was a struggle in the beginning, but I was reassured by her focus on establishing a safe and trusting therapeutic relationship. I started practicing self-acceptance.
June 2011
Building self-confidence (104 to 108)
Somehow everything changed. I started accepting my own vulnerability. I started listening to my parts. I started to treat myself compassionately, be mindful about change, take steps back, and slowly discover myself.
My therapist hugged me. I continued to push myself, making a list of all the ways my parents hurt me. My physical and mental health was still pretty poor, with regular depersonalisation, intense anxiety, and chronic migraines. The triggers came hard and fast, but still I coped.
I started thinking about the end of therapy and I wobbled. But I used my own resources to move forward and express myself authentically.
An encounter with my family of origin triggered a child part's desperate need for her mommy. Again, I cope by learning more about flashback management.
But the biggest thing I did in June was apply for a masters programme because I wanted to, despite feeling terrified and terribly insecure.
July 2011
I got in. =)
But first I learned new ways of dealing with my Inner Critic. I struggled with accepting my depersonalisation disorder. I reviewed what has been working with my self-management and started putting what I've learned into practice. This included explaining everything in a way my child parts would understand, which increased my acceptance of my dissociative disorder.
Building self confidence (109 to 110)
My confidence grew, even though I still got chronic migraines. I began letting my child parts out again and learned a few things about good parenting. My therapist lent me a book on kindness. I experienced my first real sense of containment which gave me enough (fragile) confidence to express myself authentically. I made friends. I reviewed my blog archives and learned the importance of letting go.
I started reading a psychoanalytical book recommended by the course director and realised how far back my emptiness goes. Through my growing friendships, I discovered the source of my growing sense of containment: I introjected my therapist as the Nurturing Parent. I wobbled, because being an adult is hard.
The countdown to the end of therapy begins. I reflected on my therapy and join twitter. I took responsibility for myself. I emailed my mum, which is simple way of saying I faced my greatest fear. This was possible because I let go of my husband, recognised the extent of my attachment patterns, and integrated my child parts. Of course, I panicked but managed to continue the conversation.
August 2011
Therapy ended this month. But first, I criticised the Royal College of GPs' inadequate reflection on the increased prescription of anti-depressants. I distilled the steps to well-being that I've taken. After my second to last session in therapy, I became overwhelmed with love.
The conversation with my mum continued. I prepared for the end of therapy. And finally the day came, and I was surprised to be happy about it.
Post-therapy, the story continues. =)
