Catching you up (16)

(Selections from September, 2009)

I am less afraid of having adrenal failure than of having nothing wrong. Because if there is 'nothing wrong' that almost means I'm supposed to feel this way. Feeling this way is normal. And I won't believe that. I can't start believing that now.

This endocrinologist took a detailed notes and began talking about PCOS. 'We need to rule out other things first' but essentially the treatment for PCOS-like symptoms is the same. There is no real treatment, except against insulin resistance and anovulation. Except I'm ovulating. And, I'm not insulin resistant.

I have 6 weeks to mentally prepare myself for an intellectual fight with a bunch of medical specialists. 'Partially secondary adrenal insufficiency' is my best guess now. It's the only thing to explain these clockwork of reactions my body has to stress. It's conceivable to me, that there is some lasting impact of being chronically stressed from pre-puberty to now, and this would be it. The HPA axis can be shaped, can crumble slowly away, and I am more confident mine is.

The trigger initiates a stress reaction with the hypothalamus (Tertiary). This disrupts signals to the Pituitary (Secondary) which over time, drains the Adrenal reserves (Primary). It takes a time to recover to 'normal' levels and it's getting harder and harder every year.

Am I going to be a pioneer? Am I even a pioneer? This endocrinology team is supposedly the best in the nation, and I wait quietly in my house wondering if they will have the creativity to think beyond their ICD-10 codes (primary diagnosis categories). Call me strict, but I don't believe anything is strictly psychological. And I'm only anxious, detached, and (dare I say?) suicidal in the long recovery period after stress. I know nearly every trick in the book to recover more quickly, but that still begs the fact that I've something to recover from… that, though I can walk, talk, and earn a payslip, I am still dangerously fragile and only as strong as the people and places I've surrounded myself with.

Did you know suicide victims are found to have hyperactive pituitaries? Their bodies aren't right. Yet, their symptoms were not loud enough to elicit appropriate help.

Did you know even the small pain from headaches is enough to help lift cortisol and therefore enable your body to operate more normally?

It's all just a bit too coincidental to not matter.

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I don't seem to have the same sense of time as other people. Hence, I get two upset emails late in the evening, answer one, go to bed, and wake up to find another angry email about not replying to the other one in less than 12 hours. And I'm baffled!

I actively buffer myself with non-threatening and non-confrontational people, doing my utmost to avoid emotionally charged or stressful situations. It isn't always successful. I avoid friendships because I tend to easily and overwhelmingly feel whatever other people are feeling. While I concede that a little empathy is needed in this world, I can say with confidence that a lot of empathy certainly isn't.

It is not healthy for anyone to feel someone's uncontrolled anger.

But I can't expect everyone to handle their emotions in a controlled and productive way, can I? I need to prepare myself. I need to learn how to be strong and controlled and assertive even when the levy breaks. Even and especially when everyone else is laying all of their anger and fear and pride on me.

Well, okay, one person isn't everyone, but I still think I handled this situation extremely well. I was already emotionally tender. Been having empty, dark, and unhealthy thoughts for over a week, unrelated to this latest issue. In the past, I would have avoided this person and let their own willful silence protect me. But instead, I took the morally high ground, explained why I have been feeling uncomfortable and confused, and invited him to share what he is frustrated with.

I can't believe it! He actually does! This might actually improve!

But, like most people, once the anger is released, it tends to get out of control. His email is dripping with attacks, so very different from his previous polite silence. Although time brings more attacks and insecurities from him, I am the parent in this situation. None of this emotion will last. He needs me to reiterate all the positive things I said and continue to be there, even after he's used up all of his anger. If his attacks were personal, I would've stopped them immediately, but they are nothing more than bending of words, imbuing negativity where there is none, projecting anger on me, simple insecurities. Complex pride. Like a child.

We are all children. The mistake is thinking we grow into something different or better. But there are layers to all of us, biologically, that we access when 'needs must'. Everyone becomes, at some point, unreasonable and overemotional. Only time can make us whole again.

So I thank him for sharing, I reassure him, and I wait.

Moreover, despite how sad and stressed I feel, I also feel proud of myself. I could not have handled the situation any better. I faced and felt the emotions, acknowledged his feelings and my mistakes, and I communicated them productively, even when he was out of control. I protected myself against the attacks without insulating myself from the grief at making a mistake and letting someone down. Whether with time he calms down and forgives is not something I can control. I've done all I can to make peace both with him and within me.




That still leaves those empty, dark, and unhealthy thoughts, though.

Read on the NHS Choices blog.