Catching you up (18)

(Selections from October, 2009)

The 'nature versus nurture' debate was publicised in the UK via a two part show on BBC --  The Secret Life of Twins -- based on US research. It touches on mental illness among other things.

The philosophical question of 'which came first' (aka the chicken or the egg debate) interests me greatly. I know there are aspects of myself, like my hypersensitivity, which reacted with my environment to provoke certain events, like the traumatic bullying. I also know these events had a lasting effect on aspects of myself, like my personality and how I cope with stress. I suppose cognitive behavioural therapy rests on this same idea: that in knowing the process, you can change yourself through manipulating that process. But where to begin? And is it even possible?

Let's let those questions sit for a while.

In the meantime, I'm reading excerpts from:

If Only I Had Known: Lessons from Gifted Adults
Volume 3 / Issue 3 / Spring 2003
Mary-Elaine Jacobsen, PsyD

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Well, it's official. I 'opted in' to my referral to the community mental health services. I should be getting a letter in the mail regarding my assessment. They are deciding at their next team meeting who gets the pleasure of judging me. I've already done a full 12 sessions with the counsellor, so now it is on to the next step: in my case, cognitive behavioural therapy.

The problem I have with talking therapies is that I've spent most of my life practicing how to talk and act "right", no matter how I feel. That isn't an easy thing to unpeel. And it really, really needs unpeeling.

I'm quite well insulated from most of my triggers now, being thousands of miles away from my past. But I'm also becoming dangerously antisocial, even sociophobic. When does a strong preference become unhealthy fear? Is it abnormal if I can apply sound logic to it?

I suppose the point is that I know I can be more. And I need help to get there. I need to acknowledge and understand how my life experiences have shaped me. I have many good habits for dealing with depression, but many more worse ones. Habits take time to break.

And I'm just plain scared. My mind may be stable, motivated, and in control, but my body is often riding a completely different train. I feel physically depressed. Restless. Empty. Anxious. I want to die. And then one bad headache, and it all disappears. In comparison, the lack of those bad feelings is so pronounced, it feels almost orgasmic. Relief. Harmony. Optimism. Energy.

Normal. Peaceful. Me.

Read on the NHS Choices blog.