Pieces of Me (1)

Today I was myself. These days are so rare, now, that I decided to make decisions while I was able to trust myself.

Decision 1: Admitting I have a dissociative disorder.
Decision 2: Committing to psychotherapy to integrate myself

It gets more complicated from there. Last month has been very challenging. I meet my new therapist this week, which I have mixed feelings about. I have mixed feelings about everything.

So while I don't have the words for today, I thought I could share a few pieces of me. I've kept a journal since I was 13, but before that I wrote stories and songs. So, even though my mind works hard to forget, the paper remembers. And to integrate, I must remember. Going back is terrifying. My pulse races, my hands shake, my head aches, my eyes glaze over. I start to dissociate.

Time to do things differently.

----

February, 2000

chilling the heart that in me now lies
its tender motions i do despise
fading self-confidence silently reigns
gazing over this impassable terrain
holding the soft eyes and softer smile
all the more aching for this nameless while
even reason battles here, battles the now
crying hands typing, crying lips frown
society condemns, an impossible gap
unforgiving trees, untappable sap
no precedent, this new terrain forged
quietly approaching millennial doors

----

2002-02-14 19:17:00

"what do you do when your world collapses around you
who do you call
what do you say.


there are a hundred reasons keeping me from walking out that door right now
and a hundred more reasons begging me to

whatever the reasons I might have,
whatever the need is,
to find someone
to call home

it's not enough

I never know what to say.
Never.

I've spent my whole life sucking it up and moving on.

















there's nowhere left to go.



these entries are echoes to myself."

----


Are they ever.


Something in me wants out.


Read on the NHS Choices Blog.