One for the analysts

The fact that I didn't feel elated to be "simply depressed and anxious" isn't lost on me. I've progressed enough now in my self-directed therapy to separate my anger at the nurse's stigmatising generalisations from the precious lesson that some part of me wants to be very, very ill. Dead, even.

"You have to know yourself, don't you..."  Edna O'Shaugnessy smiled pleasantly around the table, letting the words settle. "...and we can never really know ourselves enough, I think." 

The nurse called me the opposite of attention-seeking, and I felt 13 again, undeserving of the truth. In our last moments, Psychotherapist Number One had laughed, saying most therapists wouldn't be able to handle me, that only she could handle me, and my mind still burns with this living memory.  It isn't just my parents, my bullies... 

There is something about me that brings this out in people.

There is something about me that can change it.

Me. Not a nurse, not a pill, not a therapist. And I'm sorry for anyone that has lost, even for a moment, their ability to see that.

My life will be very different when I learn how to be so authentic that I disagree when I want to disagree, rather than sit and leave silently. I would have boundaries, real palpable boundaries based on values of my choosing, that people could respond to and respect. Interactions would be less terrifying and more rewarding.

My actions would say -- You deserve the truth from me. You deserve to know me. -- rather than the punishing inavailability I currently operate from.

This is what our Couples Therapist enabled us to see, as she "held our relationship for us" these past few months. I had the idea in mind, but not the feeling, and now I am able to see in practice how it comes together and why it is so important to push back.

The world and the people in it are being shaped every day; that's just what we do. That's how we evolve personalities and identities. That's how we draw a line around our Selves.

Well, consider my line drawn. And all the better, because the pen is mine.