Catching you up (7)

(Selections from September, 2008)

I returned from holiday to find out that I live in one of the happiest parts of the UK, according to an official study by the universities of Manchester and Sheffield. They also say that spending more than 5 years in one community is the biggest indicator of happiness. Surely even I can manage 5 years living amongst the happiest people in the country?

More things I'm learning:

Holidays are hard for me. I can only tolerate so much of the same person before I start auto-rejecting them. Where does this habit come from?

I find myself answering 'What should make me happy' instead of 'What makes me happy' which has a discreet but important difference: the former involves guilt, constant analysis, and unfulfillment. The latter just makes me happy. Why is it so hard to pursue the latter?

Therapy begins in a week (again). My washing machine is broken (again). I cannot hear out of my left ear (again). My peppermint tea is cold (again). I've gained my weight in boxes of pralines (again). But even tense, dirty, half-deaf, thirsty, and heavy, I become ever clearer. So, onto the good.

The good:  ...

I just realised I'm very possibly afraid of sharing the good.

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Sitting in the waiting room before my first appointment with the counsellor, I controlled my stress and anxiety by writing two lists of goals. When the counsellor asked what my goals were in therapy, I took out the sheet of paper and was instantly calmed in reading them, knowing I was prepared. Taking note of my thoroughness was second-nature for her, but what she didn't realise was that I wrote all of them in the 5 minutes before meeting her.

Self:
1. To stop/reverse progression of the ptsd symptoms, including numbness + flashbacks
2. To improve handling of emotions + intimacy
3. To repair relationship with parents
4. To keep friends / to be a better friend

Life:
1. To be able to work from home + stay productive
2. To maintain healthy choices
3. To write
4. To lead life with less dependence on stress
5. To have a family of my own with confidence

Today I begin talking about it.

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Another "wasted" appointment, being so long since the first one, has not done much to improve my fragile optimism. If it contributed to me being able to trust the counsellor more, then okay, but all the things I learned today had more to do with how convincing and avoidant I am and less to do with getting well. I do enough self-analysis to make such appointments immediately redundant, with the added bonus of being uncomfortably face-to-face with a stranger who can't stop yawning.

That fragile optimism has turned instead to guarded pessimism.

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Yesterday was my second therapy appointment, and this time I see more of the point. Accessing emotions I've worked so long to bury and avoid will be a painful, confusing experience. But as the counsellor said, in order to prevent the PTSD symptoms, I need to go back and uncover the events that are causing them until they are benign.

It is strangely reassuring to hear a medical professional agree that you are not depressed. Humiliating to be forced to tears in front of a stranger, but we all have to accept that sort of shame in order to experience any sort of help.

The biggest leap forward I made yesterday, however, didn't come from therapy but from the first day of the two week study on achievements. I am incapacitated when it comes to recalling positive experiences. It is the key I hoped to eventually find (a way to cope that doesn't require me to be a workaholic). It's also a key I've been searching desperately for: the answer to why all of my successes have left me empty. Simply put, I had no sense of achievement.

All of this came as I wrote my 6 achievements and only felt a true rush of positive confidence, hope, and pride after I wrote my fifth: I am talented at creating art.

I've always secreted my artistic creations for my own personal review and cared little of other people's appreciation. When relationships and other activities failed me, I was always able to find relief in photoshop. As stresses during university mounted, I took courses in Art to cope.

I am not going to suddenly switch careers or pursue yet another degree, but I do at least recognise what makes me feel happy, worthwhile, and, moreover, truly successful. The sense of achievement I have when I complete a work of art is genuine and completely mine.

My sixth achievement was finally understanding what achievement actually meant. And that one felt the sweetest.


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Writing 6 achievements everyday would be easy were it not the requirement that I spend at least 5 minutes feeling that sense of achievement. It's humbling and clarifying to not be able to access those positive emotions immediately and easily. For many potential achievements the emotion is simply not there at all, and that is where the differentiation between success and achievement lies.

I'm astounded by how much I rationalise rather than emote. All this time, the motivation to make real changes in my life comes not from knowing I can do it, but from the self-esteem and self-worth that comes on achieving it. That feeling isn't out of reach for any of us, even in the darkest moments. But it may not come easily.

Since I've started this task:
I've helped to clean the house.
I've made some really nice baked goods and desserts.
I've met up with friends more than once.
I've started reorganising and redesigning the rooms in my house.
I've dressed & presented myself nicer.
I've been closer to my husband.
I've been keeping up with my food diary.
I've felt more than momentarily happy.

I know they say that therapy makes things harder before they get better, and much of what therapy is asking me to do is indeed very difficult for me. But that isn't stopping me from progressing on my own time, and I feel we've reached another rung of the ladder at last.

It is a relief.

Read on the NHS Choices blog.