Second day of CBT

Things I stopped doing because they made me feel bad:

Hearing the news

Listening to non-classical music

Reading crime thrillers

Watching violent movies

Developing friendships

Eating processed foods

Sometimes, I test the waters again. I rob a bank on a popular console game. I hear about a brutal murder-rape in the local news. I start reading a famous crime thriller series. I meet a friend for coffee. I microwave some chicken tikka masala. And the music tells me sweet dreams are made of these, but I know better. I’ve been having nightmares all week.

I’m not perfect at avoiding. But, I am practiced.

This week we talked about my past, and I've been paying for it all day in flashbacks, shaking hands, and racing thoughts. It’s been nearly twenty years since all of my bad habits began, but the penultimate one is not sharing how I feel, what I’ve experienced, with others. Complex trauma. Avoidant personality. Attachment disorder. I’m sorry; it’s just that… everyone else here seems identify with labels: Pregnant. Asthmatic. Diabetic. Bipolar. Obese. I thought you might want a label for me. Like Sociophobic. No?

In counselling, I realized being gifted meant more than being smart: it meant being differently human. In cognitive behavioural therapy, I am changing how I cope with being differently human.  And the rest of the time, I am unpacking just how different I’ve become, now that the worst is over.

The elephant in the room.

I am happier without you. Should I be happier without you? I feel guilty for this. I feel guilty for being alone so long, loneliness became my familiar. I feel angry, because you never found me. You never even looked for me. I never asked for you, so you never asked for me. And now they’re asking. Now you’re asking.

I have no idea how to answer.

I’m not even sure I want to.

Read on the NHS Choices Blog.