#IfICouldDoItOverAgain

hellojusteliza:
It's so strange. #IfICouldDoItOverAgain, I wouldn't. Who I am today is an achievement and each tomorrow adds to it.

There is a scene in Being Erica where she is sent back to her life post-accident, as though none of her therapy with Dr Tom ever took place. It drives Erica nearly over the bridge, until suddenly she realises that even though those experiences might have been a dream, they were still real to her. She still learned from them. The grief of being Unreal could be contained, so she could, even in the darkest hour, hold on the only Real thing that mattered: her Authentic Self.

Cheesy acting aside, it is a powerful moment, because Erica is whipped back to Dr Tom's office to learn that she passed the test. She will now become a doctor in training, helping others like Dr Tom helped her.

I'm reminded of an earlier, similar test when Erica was told to select a door which ultimately led into group therapy. At first she couldn't understand the task and followed Dr Tom through the door he chose. He gently chastised her for not appreciating her own agency: the power of a decision. Erica was bewildered: which door was she meant to choose? How can she choose if she doesn't know where the doors lead? Or what criteria form a good choice?

I commiserate with Erica. If faced with the same task, I would have failed too, in my own way: selecting a very fine door but ignoring completely my own desires and needs. In other words, I would have chosen someone else's door.

I've been through lots of doors, and by virtue of being chosen by me (for whatever reason) they've become my doors. #IfICouldDoItOverAgain, I wouldn't change the doors. What I am changing is my selection criteria.

It's an uncomfortable process (for example, losing a friend) but necessary. The only thing that will give me congruence, coherence and consistency is learning to be myself, for all the suffering and joy that it brings. The story is mine: mine to write and mine to share.

I took this step on faith, but I have to believe it was the right step to take. Nothing has been certain. Nothing ever was, and that is precisely why learning to feel secure in myself is so important. It is the only thing that will always be mine.

#IfICouldDoItOverAgain, I simply wouldn't.

It's taken me a long time to get here. I'm not happy. I'm not depressed. I'm not hung up on If Onlys. I'm not angry. And I don't deny: I'm sad. I'm tired. I sometimes make mistakes. I'm often scared. I'm not even close to the person I want to be. But I accept it. Today, I accept it.