It was Drew's turn to speak. He said he felt insecure. He said it felt like I was just waiting for him to leave me, and without a pause I said, "Yes." He winced. I felt gentle and open.
"Yes, I am waiting for you to leave me." I looked to the counsellor and saw her face transform into surprise. She said nothing. She waited. I looked back at Drew. His eyes were wet.
My parents left me. They left me for lesser things. So you can say, 'of course I love you unconditionally,' but what does that really mean? What does that really feel like? My parents also said they loved me. And they never had me in mind, especially when I needed them.
So yes, I am capable of attachment. I'm capable of attaching to people worth attaching to. People with strong, safe boundaries. People with room for me. People who know that saying 'I love you' means nothing compared to showing they love you. People who know that the only way to show someone you love them is to stay. Stay in the quiet moments. Stay in the angry moments. Stay in scary moments. Stay.
That is the only way I will learn how to stay.
Stay.
I struggle with that too - the feeling of being unwanted and alone. Nobody ever stayed in my life except my husband and kids. It is still hard after 13 years of marriage to believe he wants to be with me, that it just isnt some kind of obligation. I am so glad you guys are talking about this. You are a pretty smart chick and I know you will walk away from this with a new view and wider eyes. You always seem to and that is one of the beautiful things about you!
ReplyDeletethanks, this makes me think.
ReplyDeletethis is powerful. i try to leave before people leave me...
ReplyDeletebut staying means letting go of the small amount of power i might have.
still. it's better than leaving someone i love just for fear of them leaving me...
Thanks for your comments.
ReplyDelete