Thoughts on Anxiety

Why I am anxious:

• The last time I was in post-graduate education, I had a different background to my classmates. They isolated and teased me, and I’m too kind to call it harassment. This re-triggered (like PTSD) the extensive bullying I experienced in school. As such, I have an intense need to belong and be accepted by my peers.
• I have a ‘gifted’ temperament, which includes being highly motivated to learn (even borderline obsessive about it).
• I did not have many opportunities to build a sense of self, so being authentic means being vulnerable means opening myself up to more loss and disappointment. I am afraid of being abused and unseen again.
• I don’t meet your expectations.
• No matter how much I am, I’m never enough.

How my anxiety manifests:
• I become over-excited and talk too much, which in many cases just means talk (period).
• I become extra charming, pleasing, and helpful.
• I obsess about finding solutions and fixing things.
• I become restless, itching at my skin.
• I binge.
• My IBS is triggered.
• I become depersonalised.
• I get a migraine.
• I become dissatisfied, wanting to quit everything and run away.
• I become childlike and want to be taken care of.
• I cannot tolerate being touched.
• Praise, intimacy, love, or sex makes me uncomfortable.

Why I hide all of this from all of you:

• You are dangerous and I don’t trust you.
• You cannot help me.