Growth

I made this board in early 2009 -- the start of my journey through counselling and psychotherapy. On the left are traits that describe me (white = positive, magenta = negative). The negative traits are described by whether they affect home (h), work (w), or play (p):

Creative
Intuitive
Sensitive
Determined
Capable
Intelligent
Strong
Challenging
Curious

Fast-paced (w)
Guarded (w, p)
Unappreciative (h, w)
Lazy (h)
Demanding (h, w)
Numb (h, p)
Anxious (h, w)

In the centre column I list what I want out of home, work and play:

Home
Decorate & design
Functional
Stress-relieving
Safe & secure
Space to play

Work
Find solutions
Improve processes
Help people, NOT things

Play
Explore
Capture
Share
Laugh

On the right I list all the traits I want to describe me:

Kind
Helpful
Needed
Healthy
Active
Supportive
Inspirational
Finisher
Social
Happy
Peaceful
Accepting
Included
Storyteller
Bold
Entertaining

I took a picture and then erased all of it but the left column. And then promptly forgot about everything I wrote. Eventually I erased the negative traits and added a few more on the right side (insecure, afraid) at the start of psychotherapy. At the end of psychotherapy, I erased the negative traits with confidence.

I discovered this photo yesterday and have been reflecting on it, off and on. I love that the beginning of 'what I want to be' is KIND.

I still believe in all of the positive traits. In fact, now I hold tightly to them. I believe in them. What I find more interesting, though, is how, even without this list, I've been aiming for the traits in red (my desired future traits). Not all of the traits are under my control ('included' and 'needed' comes to mind) but at least when I am included or needed, I can value that with a sense of achievement. And I do.

Most of the negative traits still describe me, at my own loss. For example, I am unappreciative of my own work, my own effort, my own achievements more than others. I struggle to praise others and compliment, even when I want to. There are still walls protecting my vulnerability in expressing positive emotions and I have to make active conscious choices to show appreciation.

Anyway, it's nice to know I'm moving in the direction of my choosing.