"I Like You" is not a request

And feelings do not imply a single choice.

Unless perhaps you are Peter and Carrie, who heard "I cannot come around anymore. I am too attached to Eddie. I've always liked you, Peter. I don't know how to tell all of this to Carrie." and thought that this person they've trusted and loved was now trying to steal Peter and Eddie away from Carrie.

I get that they are projecting their own fears about their own vulnerable marriage on to me. This insecurity is theirs not mine, and I can only do so much to reassure it. But really, how many times did I need to reiterate to Carrie that I cannot possibly get involved in an affair, that I wanted what she had desperately but knew it wasn't mine... and finally when it became too much of a burden to bear after I left Drew, I knew I needed to leave them too, and when I did, they both ignored the "I cannot come around anymore" and "I am too attached to Eddie" for "I've always liked you, Peter."

This is a bugbear of mine. I've spent a lot of time witnessing how uncomfortable and insecure people are with love. Saying "I love you" has been transformed into some sort of request that the receiver feels an obligation to fulfill or reject. We all hate breaking hearts. And perhaps we resent being given a heart to break?

I'm adult enough now to know that feelings aren't promises. Feelings aren't choices. They aren't the same thing as thoughts or behaviours. A desire doesn't mean I will do one thing and one thing only.

I am not a single desire.

And I resent being treated like I am. I've worked hard these last few weeks to piece apart some complex emotions and determine a path of action that was true to myself and true to my values and kindest for everyone involved. I am not perfect. I am still a slave to my fears as much as the rest of you.

In the future, I will endure the humiliation and say those things to both of them together, to reassure any doubts of my intentions. Of course this may not be important because...

In the future, I won't go near this situation with a ten-foot-pole.

This is precisely why I wanted training as a therapist. Not because I want to be a therapist, but because I need to learn how to be a therapist, so that I can form healthier boundaries and assert myself and learn how to let go and not become enmeshed in the lives of others.

I see now how vulnerable I was. How human. How anyone in that situation would fall in love, become attached, and seek security and safety where they can.

In some respects it makes me happy.
I can attach. I can love. I can feel safe and secure and happy.

I wasn't sure that was possible. Does that sound horrible? I needed that experience to help me see precisely what I should be aiming for. It was blindingly humiliating and painful, but I needed to tell Peter and Carrie so that I could break free and start building my own life. Through further emails, Peter gets that now. Carrie might never. But her insecurity, her inability to see what is in front of her, her inability to set safe and healthy boundaries... that is her responsibility. Not mine. I needed to let that go.

I am growing in leaps and bounds. And now I can focus on the important issues: my relationship with myself and my relationship with Drew.