Why did I do it?

Carrie finally contacted me.

Her anger was obvious, but I thought that she did a reasonable job not turning it into personal attacks. I know how short her temper is (inhumanly short). She's simply incredulous, confused, afraid, betrayed, angry. I can see how she is searching for reasons for her insecurity in today, rather than acknowledging that her insecurity comes from her childhood. She's selected evidence for me trying to steal Eddie and Peter away in favour over overwhelming evidence that I've cared deeply for her and improved her relationships with them both, as well as clear evidence of my own moral character.

None of that is a surprise to me. I'm fully aware of her vulnerabilities and defenses. What interests me is this portion of Carrie's email:

Ok, so you have a crush on someone. So what. What on earth possessed you to tell him/me? I feel that unless you wanted something to come of it, there was absolutely no need to tell either of us, and cant get my head around how it benefits anyone in any shape or form.

I am too tired, and too upset to comprehend the email you just sent, but I presume the general gist is that you cant be around Eddie and Peter, for everything that it means. I wish you could have just said that, I could have coped with that.

Before I answer her question here (I've already sent her a response to which she has not replied), I wanted to share the email I wrote in lieu of being able to talk with her in person (my original plan that she blocked). This is the email Carrie was too emotional to comprehend:

Please forgive me. In any other circumstances I could be your friend completely, but today I am vulnerable, lonely and afraid. This cannot be healed by you.

Each of you fills a space in me that isn't yours to fill, and it hurts going home to the reality that I am, after all, temporary in your hearts.

I cannot see a way forward that didn't break my heart. I love each of you too much. Thank you for letting me be a part of your lives. It was an incredible gift, with a lot of responsibility. I simply am not ready for it. The only way forward was to be authentic. I regret not saying something to you first but I was more scared of losing you and I thought Peter might be able to help avoid that. Clearly I overestimated Peter!

I hope you understand; I have always acted in love. There was never a moment when I thought to take any of your happiness from you. I am sorry if I have inadvertently hurt you now.

If there is a world where Peter doesn't belong to you, where Eddie isn't your son, I have never seen it nor have I imagined it. I hope you find security in what you have because what you have is beautiful.

You are beautiful and will be missed.

Love,

Eliza

Has it been easier for me to cope, knowing that we both did the best we could have done? That the moment I realised how unsafe the situation was, I left?

Carrie puts me on a pedestal, and I know that being hurt by me now, in this way, must be shocking to her. She presumes I should have known better. Maybe she thinks, like Peter did, that I should have been content with an inauthentic, unfulfilling life: loving a baby that isn't mine, desiring a man that isn't mine, all while caring unconditionally for a friend who has both.

I am not ashamed for loving.

I am ashamed that, even for one week, I thought it was okay to have my feelings, my desires, ignored while their family flourished under my attention and devotion. I am sad that their first reaction to my feelings was that they guessed anyway and wished I hadn't said anything, because it would have been better had everything just gone on as it was.

Better for them.

I stood up for my feelings, despite the humiliation that comes with acknowledging a desire that cannot ever live in reality. Peter is not free to love me, and most of me would not have him. Eddie is their child, and no matter how much he was becoming attached to me, his primary attachments are to his parents. Carrie did her best to care for me, and in her need opened herself and her life dangerously to me. She trusted me deeply, offering me a key to the house, even wanting me to move in.

Whether she admits to it or not, she loved me. She was more attached to me than I was to her husband or child. There are no social mores which cover how three people and a baby manage to fill each other's needs, though there are books and movies (The Duchess comes to mind). And perhaps this would have worked, had Carrie been willing to share her husband and child, had I been willing to share them, but of course Carrie could never cope sharing something so precious with someone she idolised. Not with her insecurities. And I would never have them, especially knowing how vulnerable Carrie was.

So, my own desires would always be left unfulfilled and unvalued. And these are the terms on which our friendship hung, unsaid.

I didn't know where this complicated situation was going, but I realised, when Eddie ran to me instead of Carrie, that no matter what happened I would be the scapegoat. I would be the one at fault, because I was the Parent here. I was responsible.

So with great sadness, I pulled out. I gave only my own feelings as reason. They will never understand the rest. They may never appreciate how much knowing me has changed them. They may never understand how knowing them has changed me.

I did it because I needed to be me.

I broke my heart in four parts -- one for Drew, one for Carrie, one for Peter, and one for Eddie -- because it needed to be rebuilt, in my own fashion, according to my own desires. It hurts. But I've managed to cope with my PTSD and insecurity and grief without anger or blame. I've reached through the pain to reassure Drew, Carrie and Peter. I've taken responsibility for hurting them. I've acknowledged my own vulnerabilities and mistakes.

I could not have done any better here.

Is that why, despite the constant flashbacks and waves of anxiety, I feel more confident, more self-love, than ever? In my eyes, I gave all of them up for me. I left them all for me. I fell into me, my arms, myself.

Drew continues to be there, hopeful and ready to love me. I accept his familiarity, but I cannot share his bed. On Thursday we meet our relationship counsellor. If s/he asks me what I want, what do I say?

I'm not ready to love him. And I can't accept him loving me. Not until I love myself.

That is why I did it.
I did it out of love.

For myself.