Pre-Post-Therapy Eliza

It's been a roller-coaster weekend. It wasn't helped by me forgetting everything I've learned aka that overwhelming emotions --> overwhelming stress --> dissociation --> depersonalisation --> migraine --> anxiety.

I am getting "mighty tired" of trying to break it off with my husband. You'd think *knowing* you have a dissociative disorder is simply enough, but the thing about dissociation is that it's really hard to measure yourself by the lack of something. The lack of emotions, as much as I hate to admit it, is way too familiar.

I think the reason that the dissociation is tricking me more now is because I'm not dissociating all of my emotions anymore. Just the ones I can't seem to handle. Except my brain is saying I can handle them. So why do I still dissociate?

Bad, bad habits.

I should have known better. Ending therapy -- these are some huge emotions. Writing "I will remember it all as love" took a lot out of me, and everytime I read it, I can feel the weight of the emotions pushing out of me. There is a certain level of control keeping them inside and out of mind.

F-ing dissociation.

I want to be able to sit there and read that to my therapist and feel it. :-(

I should probably mention that I'm not divorcing my husband. That was "Heartless Eliza" as I will call her from now on. I said a lot of things I absolutely believe and want, but I also did not have access to any emotion. If I had, perhaps the way I talked would have been kinder. Perhaps I would not have felt so empty and defeated, because emotions are motivating. And I had no motivation left.

The morning after the migraine is usually when the previously dissociated emotions all hit me, and I panic. My husband has the patience of a saint, but no wonder he's so traumatised by me, when I keep switching like this.

From my perspective, it's like I've learned to dissociate my attachment system. When the body/brain decides it's in the best interest to GET OUT OF HERE NOW, gone is the desire to cling to my loved ones. Everything becomes 'not mine' and all I can do to make sense of my life is change it. Change jobs. Change partners. Change my name. Change everything until that feeling of emptiness goes away.

For now, though, I'll have to keep reminding myself to watch out for the signals {strong emotion, poor sleep, fatigue, desire to leave, and of course the resulting migraine) and hope I don't make any important decisions without consulting my emotional parts.

I'm going to crack this nut, just you wait. Leading psychoanalyst on dissociative disorders? Hold that seat for me.