Change management

The universe is having a laugh with me now.

Put simply, what happens to the girl who finally admits she wants most of all to belong?

She gets booted out of the department offices because the department head (who, granted, has narcissistic personality disorder and therefore is not expected to make any sensible choices) decides he wants her desk for some transient junior doctors reviewing case notes a couple hours a day.

This is a typical narcissistic punishment, because it actually hurts the small department to lose me to another building. Only a narcissist would shoot off his own foot just to exercise some control over the seemingly uncontrollable. But I can't help being his kryptonite. Having a narcissistic introject part inside means I can out-step his passive aggression on every single level. Dissociation trumps grandiosity and rage any day of the week.

Except I didn't dissociate.

I sat there, considering the news. Calmly reading his face. And maybe the loss flickered on mine. Because despite recognising it as a narcissistic punishment, all I felt was sad. I decided last week not to transfer because I felt committed to helping the department. But with every passing day, the department is less and less committed to me. My job isn't at risk -- I bring in my own funding. But my sense of belonging? What was left, anyways... is completely gone now.

This thread of sadness hasn't wavered since that meeting. I'm getting better at holding on to and containing feelings without dissociating them. Soon, though, I'll need to let this go. I push myself hard, but even I know this week is altogether too much for me now.

I've officially cancelled my birthday.