It is very tiring holding up this trident: decreasing dissociation, managing anxiety, and stopping obsessive thoughts. I push myself too hard. And yet, when I don't push myself, I criticise myself for not working hard enough. Overcoming a maladaptive personality, OCD, social anxiety and an attachment disorder while specifically NOT using my best coping method.. is it a bit much?
My 'peace' lasted 24 hours. Now the anxiety builds. And it will build, straight into depersonalisation/derealisation, which will turn into the fifth migraine this week.
WHAT AM I SCARED OF?
I could shout it all day long, but no one inside will tell me the answer. So, instead of ignoring how I feel, plodding on with my day, the 'evolved me' has to listen to someone with nothing to say. IE, me.
(several hours later)
Something to do with change. Expected. Unexpected. Planned. Unplanned.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You're trying to work through a whole lifetime of 'stuff'. It takes time. Sometimes the healthiest thing is just sitting with everything for a while and tolerating it at the level it's at without pushing for more. It's hard having all this stuff inside and having it leaking into physical symptoms. I hope you get relief from the migraines soon.
ReplyDeleteI keep asking questions, I don't have any answers.
ReplyDeleteThanks, it didn't progress to a migraine, so I must've done something right in 'treating myself with compassion'...
ReplyDeleteI figured out what I'm scared of. Left my notes at work, though, and of course I've forgotten it now.