I am not strong.

I am not strong.

A strong person would be able to cope with her feelings. A strong person would understand and accept them. A strong person would be able to negotiate and compromise between her desires and her needs and the world, without compromising all of herself.

Don't mistake my calm, my inhibition, and my clarity for strength. It's not my strength. It may be a strong wall, but it's a wall. And while I'm putting all of my energy into maintaining it, I have nothing left for myself. My own strength.

I don't allow myself to self-harm or follow suicidal thoughts, despite knowing the endorphin release from the pain will revive and distract and ground me, and despite feeling so much despair and loneliness I feel already dead. I don't allow myself to drink alcohol. I don't allow myself to feel bad about my increasing girth or spotty skin or frizzy hair. I don't allow myself to feel bad. I don't allow myself to ask for help. I don't allow myself to be scared. I don't allow myself to be happy.

Controlled != strong.

I am not strong. I am controlled. Don't look to be more like me. We all have our own bad habits to break, and you don't want mine.

Read on the NHS Choices blog.