It's okay.

Today my Inner Control Freak was triggered and I have spent this entire evening trying to manage the resulting anxiety and obsessive/compulsive feelings and thoughts.

I do resent having to do this. It would be far nicer if the feelings just disappeared. In reality, I'm observant enough now to know that had I been capable of expressing my emotions honestly in the moment, I would not be in this situation. But because I let my frustration grow to the point of feeling out of control and I was 'trapped' in the meeting, my brain reverted to the same old crisis toolkit: EMOTIVE SHUTDOWN MODE.

The curtain falls.

I become unresponsive.

God help even the most well-adjusted of adults. I'm a monster. It's scientifically proven. An unresponsive mother is the most feared of all creatures. Developmentally normal humans crave response. Therapy leans on this principle. I've pissed off a lot of people in my life because of my inability to connect, respond. Feel.

Only this time it's even more psychotic, because I'm not just unresponsive. I'm fighting that damn wall. Searching for how I feel (FRUSTRATED, ANGRY, WANT CONTROL) and trying to find a way to appease it. But I'm still a baby at this. All I can do is try to contain myself and wait. Sacrifice society. Wait it out.

And meanwhile? Try not to hate yourself for failing. For your increased heart rate, your shaking limbs, and the disappointment on their faces. As though you weren't juggling enough, facilitating that meeting.

But I'm practicing radical acceptance. So instead of fighting the anxiety, I tell myself it's okay. It's okay to feel upset at myself. It's okay to be afraid about what the others think of me. It's okay to be frustrated because the meeting didn't go as planned. It's okay to be upset at Boss-man because he disregarded the agenda and wasted a lot of time asking inappropriate questions. It's okay to want it to be perfect. Because I am a Person in Progress.

I didn't hurt anyone. I wasn't mean. I got through the agenda. I was flexible. I let people talk, including my Boss-man. I pushed where I needed to push. I let go what I could let go. I ended the meeting with a reassuring compliment. I got a reassuring compliment in return.

I feel ashamed to feel out of control and to want the control so badly. But those are my unrelenting standards, not theirs. I am disappointed in me. Not them. I am the one that needs reassurance.

So I'll provide it. And if it's not enough, I'll ask for it tomorrow.

And it's okay to have those needs. It's okay to be me. It's okay to feel this way.