What she said.

A principle of self-parenting is listening unconditionally. I've not started the exercises though I've read the theory. In practice, I can see how it would benefit me. Maybe I'm the worst sort of dissociative disorder: I have parts, but I don't let them out. I deny they exist most of the time, because it's easier that way. Decisions are simpler. And the better I dissociate, the less I feel my own deep unhappiness.

Byproduct of therapy, I'm listening to my emotions more. Which means listening to my parts more. Which means letting them out. Which means letting myself just be. Definitely what my therapist wants, but not something I'm capable of coping with yet.

During a crisis on Friday, I experienced something totally surreal. I completely switched to my emotional part (rather than just fighting to contain it). The feelings were overwhelming. And though the feelings part of me has historically been totally severed from the cognitive part, it's a testimony to my hard work that she (I) managed to get some words out. Here is what she said:

No one loved me.
I am so sad.
It hurts.

I feel quite guilty to be sharing that, especially when I'm not her. In order to cope, the emotions have gone back into their little compartment and we're not sharing this moment of writing. But I remember how it felt to be her, to say those words. Does that mean I can find my way back through this dissociative haze?

I know these emotions are mine. I know I should be feeling them. That those words are mine, and I mean them. But I find it hard to take ownership of feelings and words that don't feel like mine. So for now they won't be mine. They'll be hers: this little girl I'm taking care of inside.

Now that I've seen more of what I've been hiding from myself, I have a greater respect for the amount of work left to do in therapy. How on earth can I connect two parts of my brain that historically have operated alone?

Read on the NHS Choices blog.