Building Self-Confidence 108

I have a dissociative power they don't describe in scientific literature.

To cope with the pain, I would disappear into my head, my thoughts, my imagination, dreaming stories, and finally sleep. Eventually, I trained myself to sleep on a dime. Within a minute even. In the middle of sentences sometimes.

So, it's no big surprise to me that I suffer from derealisation/depersonalisation (DR/DP) disorder which is said to be caused by a breakdown in the barrier between sleep and consciousness. When I have migraines, the first stage is DR/DP and then yawning and then pain because I am so, so sleepy. I can't cope with the sensory information and stress. I become numb. I just want to sleep.

And then I sleep. And most of the time, I wake up a new person. I've trained myself to let the emotions of yesterday wash away in the night. I struggle to remember how I felt.

When overwhelmed by stress, especially emotional stress, I get migraines. Is it my body's way of saying 'WHY WON'T YOU LET ME SLEEP ALREADY, THIS HURTS' ? I'm just not sure what to trust, because even though the pain is gone right now, it will be back again another day.

Another day I'll wobble. I'll feel the hate inside.

But for today, I'll marvel because I can't find a single bit of hate. I search inside and all I feel is pride, love, acceptance, calm. It unnerves me that somewhere in my brain are neural connections full of hate and revulsion and distrust, ready to activate on my triggers, and I have no real ability to access them at the present.

Dissociation.

It's hard to build self-confidence when I know that a part of me will betray this current happiness. That, out of nowhere, the Inner Bully will emerge, waving her sword and threatening me. Moreover, I will become her / she will become me. And this current happy, secure person will be the inaccessible one.

Strangely, the solution isn't to shut the Inner Bully away. It's to teach the Inner Bully how to love herself. Radical acceptance means accepting that the Inner Bully is scared and angry and protective and insecure. It's loving the Inner Bully despite those feelings. Sitting with the Inner Bully while experiencing those feelings. Learning that it's okay to feel scared and angry and protective and insecure and suicidal, because those feelings don't mean we're going to hurt ourselves or others. We're smarter, more kind, more capable than that. We may be afraid, but we shouldn't be afraid of that.

I'm using mindfulness (meditation techniques) to hold on to good feelings, so that when the Inner Bully comes I can show them to her. So she can learn how to sit with the positive feelings and realise no one is going to take them away.


Read on the NHS Choices blog.