The Art of Being Kind

My therapist lent me a book to read during our session last week: The Art of Being Kind by Stefan Einhorn. Most of the book is about why we should be kind, as evident through scientific research, cultural rules, and religions. It also discusses the tools we have, as human beings, which make us not only capable but motivated to act altruistically to others. The latter chapters give some instruction on being kind. I've summarised it for my reference:

Be generous (with praise)
Ask others for advice
Cultivate empathy (understanding of other's plight)
Take responsibility (for oneself)
Be a role model

The reason I am interested in being kind? I struggle to be kind to myself and therefore am inconsistent in being kind to others, often achieving it with unhealthy boundaries or at expense of myself. Scientific research has suggested that the body cannot differentiate between feeling something about someone else and feeling something about oneself (it triggers the same biochemical reactions), so with that in mind my next tactic in building self-compassion is to be compassionate to other people.

If I can experience how it feels to be authentically kind to other people, perhaps through meditation I can hold on to that feeling and someday feel it about myself.

Being kind also has the added benefit of building healthy connections to other people (something I am lacking) as well as developing healthier boundaries. I would like my "Adapted Children" to turn that strong desire to help into a mature desire to be kind.

So here are my ideas.

BE GENEROUS (WITH PRAISE)
This is hard for me, as I am quite critical. My OCD/Perfectionism is mostly turned inwards but I can easily forget that other people don't have the same unrelenting standards. It is simply that I focus on improving before taking the time to experience a sense of achievement or pride about a job well done. Unexpectedly, even when I do make a mess, it is challenging to look beyond the mess and focus on what I do well.

Can I do this for other people? Well the first step has been volunteering with young girls. I feel inadequate as a leader because it's all very new to me. So, to improve, I observe the other leaders, who give endless praise to the girls. I mimic their behaviours, and eventually finding praise becomes less "How pretty" and more "Look at those fantastic patterns that Julie made -- what a creative way of representing the flag."

Am I getting better at finding ways of praising others? In kids, maybe, but there is still a lot of energy needed to apply the same to adults. It involves disrupting my automatic thought process, which is forever moving forward, into looking at the present. Yesterday I generously and genuinely praised my husband. That evening, I broke through a wicked 2-day run of depersonalisation with an intense desire to be physically close (mind out of gutter, I don't mean sex, I mean the sort of intimacy babies enjoy with their mothers and that all humans crave). It was such a relief to be able to communicate some of my complex and confusing emotions and needs in such a way that actually resolved it. I wouldn't have been able to connect in that authentic and healthy way without losing my defenses.

Was praise really all it took? I have to admit, seeing him bloom under the praise felt really good, but what felt even better was feeling positive about my husband. I'd like to think this small experiment was a resounding success -- exceptional evidence for continuing with learning how to praise.


ASK OTHERS FOR ADVICE
This one I knew in feeling but not in practice. I was feeling very lonely and apart from everything, including myself, until I had tea with my old manager and then a good chat with a colleague. The common denominator is that they are both beautiful people that I admire greatly and wish desperately to be like. So in the course of being authentically myself with them (sad and searching), I actually found the direction I sorely needed. It felt wonderful to receive advice from two excellent people. And more so knowing now that they felt great about being able to help as well.

"Asking others for advice is a powerful tool, which when used can, for instance, lead to the realisation that we are surrounded by a great many wise people." The Art of Being Kind, p27

I am so pathologically self-sufficient, that I do find it difficult to ask advice. One, it reveals a level of authenticity and vulnerability that I was previously unwilling to show. Two, my perfectionism made it difficult to accept any unexpected criticism. But since I've taken down a lot of my defenses, I am slowly learning how to ask advice.

The problem with not knowing one's Self is that one doesn't really know what to ask advice on. Also, with minimal social connections, it is hard to feel safe around others. I'm grateful for this recent experience because it has reminded me that there are lovely, caring people out there who, although they may not know me now, are willing to know me, should I take the chance to ask them honestly how I can be more like them.

I work more closely with my colleague now, so I plan to exercise my "asking advice" tactic more often. It reassures me that I can desire to be more than I am and that I can change and that other people will support me in it.


CULTIVATE EMPATHY
I would suggest that, to be kind, one develops compassion and sympathy as well as empathy. I have an ocean of empathy (understanding of others') but very little ability or courage to do anything about it. Sympathy (while often associated with pity) is actually about being present for someone and sharing their experience intimately. Healthy boundaries aside, I could do well to improve my sympathy.

This is easiest to practice on my husband, as I have very few emotional connections with other people. But recently I've tried to be sympathetic with my colleagues. It was easy for me to feel what they were feeling, but harder for me to communicate that. Naturally, I've spent a lifetime hiding my feelings, so being emotionally authentic is a bigger problem than just being sympathetic.

I wonder, though, if a good way of improving my emotional intelligence is trying out ways of communicating about how I feel when I'm empathising? Feelings from other people are much less scary and overwhelming than feelings from me. And if I can learn how to speak about those feelings, maybe it will be easier to speak about my own.

Part of me thinks that this might also be the secret to helping others regulate themselves. Right now I feel a bit pathological trying to be sympathetic to others. It is an unnatural situation to me, but one I am very eager to experience.


TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
To some degree, I already do this. I recognise that I am my own agent of change. If I want things to be different, I need to take action.

"It is important to recognise a few simple things which we have a general tendency to forget.

• We are always part of the problems we experience.
• We have great power to contribute to their solution.
• We can learn a lot on the way and grow as individuals as a result.

If we want things to be different in our lives, then we ourselves have to take responsibility for that. no one else can do it for us. And if we see hindrances ahead of us, we must decide if they are real or merely excuses for the fact that we lack courage." The Art of Being Kind, p197

Part of taking responsibility though is acknowledging how our actions make others feel. Facing that shame and guilt is difficult even for the most well-adjusted adults. But I do believe taking the opportunity to repair connections can only be a good thing.

I am learning to take responsibility for my inauthenticity. When I am triggered or my defenses take over or I am unable to engage emotionally (such as when depersonalised), I can at least communicate why I am unable to be fully present. I take responsibility for my needs.

I struggle with self-care, even on the simplest level (remembering to brush my teeth every morning). No wonder then that I'm overwhelmed by owning a house. Keeping things tidy and clean? Such an impossible task. It's easy to write off responsibility because I can't bear to acknowledge my own obvious failings.

So what would taking responsibility over self-care mean? I suppose it means accepting that no one else will brush my teeth, wash my hair, fold my clothes; it is MY duty. By taking responsibility for those things, I am being kind to myself. That makes the Bully-Monster feel all Grr inside. I can tell this will be the hardest thing to achieve. But it is possible the most important one, because being able to take care of myself means I will also be able to take care of others. Right now that possibility seems very far away.


BE A ROLE MODEL
After the rest of the this, being a role model is almost a given. There are so few people who are truly kind in the world, they really stand out as role models. People (like myself) seek to follow them simply because they have such a rich life of social connections and self-worth -- not because they force us to change, but because they welcome us.

Can I be a role model? I like to think that even in my imperfection (because of my imperfection?) I share my thoughts, feelings and experiences on this blog specifically to help others model their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. When I read others' blogs, I look to model myself on them and learn different ways of being in the world.

I am grateful that my therapist lent me this book. While I already knew most of the background research (I went to graduate school to study altruism), it is important to review what we know, reflect on what it means to us now, and reprioritise our life accordingly. My therapist gave a name to what I have been struggling to be. That name is Kind.



Read on the NHS Choices blog.