There is no panic button!

I've been avoiding this all day, but really that's just ruining my day so let's get to it.

I love you Eliza.
And I love the woman you have become. I am very proud of you. I love our skype sessions, because I get to see you when I talk to you.
I miss you.
Let's figure it out together. what next?

WWTD? (What would my Therapist do?)

How do I feel?

Scared. Like I'm right back at the beginning of therapy sessions facing the 'Kind Stranger' -- split between wanting to connect (attach, share, be seen) and wanting to run away. Self versus Self. The anxiety builds. But I'm focused on the battle; I don't notice what it is doing to my body. And when my therapist asks her first question, I ignore the battle entirely and perform.

Ahh, the essence of a dissociative disorder.

So, we're scared.

I am still trying to figure out how far I can push myself here. EP-Sad and EP-Happy are starting to integrate, but they are still children. Emotionally, I am still a child somewhere between latency and adolescence. I thought maybe I could create an Adult Eliza by acting like an adult, but now I see it isn't quite so simple.

I realised something both overwhelming and humiliating today.

I may have tackled most of the attachment disorder, and some of the dissociation, but I still all of the trauma left to process: my aversion to touch, my fear of intimacy, my PTSD triggers, my flashbacks, my nightmares, and more.

In the spirit of responsibility, I've realised just how much of the pathology in our relationship is because of me. This isn't blame; this is acknowledgment. I was the broken one. He changed his form to match mine. And now I'm pointing fingers at reinforcing behaviours that I essentially reinforced in him. Ugh. What a vicious circle, eh?

My therapist insists it can change. Drew and I certainly both agree on what is wrong and what needs to change. That's a start, right?

But I'm starting to falter under these expectations which now seem unrealistic.

What couples/sex therapist could possibly be willing to work on a marriage of someone with a dissociative disorder? Alternatively, how can I do this alone?

It is so easy to become overwhelmed by all of the 'splits' I find inside. It is the most challenging part of myself to accept. Beyond radical. I still hover somewhere between unwilling and disbelief. But an angry plea of 'Why can I just be normal?!' just reinforces the traumatic abuse and lack of acceptance that underpins the disorder.

One step forward. Two steps back.

I barely understand this myself. How could I possibly explain it to my emotionally-unavailable mum? "I'm sorry, I know I was authentic just yesterday but now I've been triggered by our growing attachment. I must defend myself against these threatening feelings otherwise I will dissociate completely." If that doesn't evoke a loving response from my caregiver, I don't know what will... /sarcasm

The heart of this panic is simple. I'm attached to my therapist. At some point, that healthy attachment trumped the disorganised attachment with my husband which had long since destroyed whatever attachment was left to my parents. And though my brilliant Parent parts know precisely that this therapeutic relationship is ending and I need to seek more healthy attachments elsewhere, my Child parts still have so much trauma to heal from.

I'm fairly confident that peace talks in the middle east would be easier than negotiating between these two sides. Patience. Persistence. Acceptance.

There are two people in the world who love me more than anything.

Why am I so afraid of that?