In Real Time

This has been an eventful two weeks. A few of the bigger things:

(1) I've had a serious conversation with my husband which increased our emotional and physical intimacy. Score one for transactional analysis. My old Tx has no idea; she would be so proud of me. The model is really helping me to communicate better. I have a long way to go.

(2) I've had a Very Important Meeting which has resulted in a place on a Very Exciting masters course. More on this later.

(3) I've created a nice space for myself in my second bedroom, that makes me feel safe and happy.

(4) I've opened a box and found a letter I wrote to myself at aged 14 that brings back a lot of feelings. It's hard to acknowledge them as mine, but I feel ready to do it. So I'm bringing the letter to therapy to share them with my therapist because this is how trust is made.. by giving people opportunities to see and support you.

Perhaps I might type the letter up for you after our session. I put it away until then because I have a choice about how I want to experience my day. And there is no need to pull all those feelings out right now with just me. No matter how strongly I feel and express them alone, I shut them away in front of other people, even my therapist. Having a physical letter is too strong of a reminder -- I am forcing myself to acknowledge and own the feelings I had and still have.

Perhaps it is uncaring and brutal of me, but it takes a lot of energy to push through guilt and shame. It is important to me to express these difficult emotions and not feel overwhelmed or scared of them.

For the first time, I do feel like my therapist will help me. And part of that is the effort I have been making to care about others, to observe others and attune to their needs. I see how I can help others, and I wonder: could that also be me?