Building Self-Confidence 110

My OCD is happy. I'm graduating my from self-managed course on Building Self-Confidence on the tenth lesson. Yay even numbers.

Why am I giving myself permission to graduate?

Wednesday I had a difficult but engaging therapy session. That evening I spent being emotionally authentic (and promoting emotional authenticity) through supporting a friend. Thursday I had a difficult but exciting day meeting my new tutors and classmates. My anxiety (OCD) was triggered as usual by meeting new people I want desperately to like me ...and I tried very hard to sit with the feelings of self-hatred and self-doubt, but my body is too used to deteriorating into depersonalisation. So how did I fight it? Last night was spent being emotionally authentic (and promoting emotional authenticity) with my husband.

That's right, I pushed through the depersonalisation. Instead of waiting it out, I questioned what was contributing to my depersonalisation (aka my husband's tendency to act like my parents and ignore my bad feelings) and had a frank and difficult conversation. What made it work? Being both authentic and kind.

This morning, some bad stuff has happened which has triggered a colleague of mine. I noticed her distress and sat with her through it. Would this have been possible for either her or myself had I not expressed myself authentically to her last week and invited her to do the same?

I’m sitting here on my lunch hour reflecting on these three different connections I’ve made in the past three days. Each time, I’ve made a considered point in valuing the authenticity of others. I reassured them that it was okay to be in distress, that I’m not scared of their distress, and that I’m here for them. I asked how they were feeling, what they were thinking, and they trusted me enough to answer, even when it was very hard. For some of them, even overwhelming.

I left my friend on Wednesday and reflected on the fact that I didn’t offer her a hug though she was clearly processing some hard feelings. Maybe it would’ve been too difficult for her. But the fact that I didn’t think of it at the time shows how much I have to learn about being kind, about what other people need when they are in distress.

I didn’t hesitate to go up to my colleague today and immediately offered her a hug, asking her how she was and if she wanted to talk. …Maybe that shows how quickly I learn? Each opportunity I give this new part of me to grow, I see her more clearly: the Nurturing Parent.

Just like we introject our (often broken) parents into ourselves, we can introject other, better people. I’ve reached the best-case-scenario of psychotherapy. I have introjected my therapist.

Caring for others? Maybe that is my Authentic Self. I do have a choice. And based on how good I feel about myself right now, despite also containing feelings of sadness about my friends’ and husband’s distress, I can’t think of a single reason not to choose this for me.

And that’s how I realised my Building Self-Confidence course was done. I’ve graduated this introductory class. I’ve passed the final, maybe even with distinction.

Sense of Achievement, Number Two.



Read on the NHS Choices blog.