And how do you feel?

Not everything I experience makes sense to me. My feelings, for one. It's okay when they are straightforward, like Sad or Angry. But most of the time what I feel is too complex and often too fleeting. I don't know whether I'm supposed to listen to it or just let it go. I can't tell the difference between letting it go and dissociating.

My therapist insists there is a huge difference. She says that emotions that aren't dissociated can be recalled a little bit. So, for example, I can think of a sad event from my past and feel a bit sad. But I'm not overwhelmed because I know it's in my past and it was sad but I'm no longer consumed by it.

Most of the time, I can't recall the emotions. Not like that. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed in therapy and my therapist is trying to engage with me, but I'm sitting there, squeezing my eyes and my mouth and my insides and breathing out and gone. The emotions are gone. If this frustrates her, she doesn't show it. Not that I have any capacity to notice at that point!

Most of the time, emotions flash at me through the detachment like solar flares off the sun. They catch my attention, stop my breath, take over me for a moment. I suppose these are flashbacks. They've been plaguing me for years. Sometimes they come with visual memories. I want to fear them. They used to cause a terrible anxious reaction, but I'm more aware now. I proactively let the feelings go before they take me over.

Do I let them go? Or do I dissociate it?

Today was a Depersonalisation day, which is always incredibly frustrating especially when my husband is moody or we argue. When depersonalised, I have no capacity for emotional intimacy, no access to our loving memories, no feeling of attachment. It's like I'm stuck in the part of the brain that is furthest from my emotional parts. Maybe they are asleep. I certainly want to sleep.

Sometimes when I feel like this, I get strange flashbacks. The Depersonalisation goes into hyperdrive, and I feel suddenly like I'm in a strange place, that I'm not supposed to be here, and who is this with me? I call it a flashback because I feel like I'm a child again, panicked and afraid. As if the child has woken up in this strange place that isn't her home.

And as quickly as it happens, I take over again, stuffing her inside.

Maybe I would believe it more if these moments were longer. If I had substantial episodes of amnesia in the present day. The I would have something to explain to my therapist. But as it is, she asks me how I am, and I say fine. Not sick. Not crazy. Not dead. Therefore fine.

Edit: this is a horribly descriptive and uninteresting post, but it's probably an accurate reflection of how depersonalisation affects my communication style.