The challenge of letting out EP-Happy and building my Authentic Self is not so much the rejection of me by other people but my rejection of other people. When I am working on something that has meaning to me, I am acutely sensitive to anything that isn't whole-hearted support. Hence, I've found safety working on projects in which I have little personal interest (but very high skill). It doesn't trigger any defenses when I make a mistake. Not that I ever really make mistakes...
Yesterday EP-Happy and I worked on some sewing projects. There was no goal, just experimentation and exploration, which is normal for EP-Happy. Creation for creation's sake: something out of something, and so on.
EP-Happy remembers her mother's stupid questions and her father's stupid suggestions. So when my husband wakes up finally and comes downstairs, he puts on that ingratiating voice, asking what EP-Happy is doing (uh, sewing of course). Really, he wants to know why. His words ask WHAT but the tone of his voice, a higher pitch and concerned, is asking WHY. Like EP-Happy's mother though he doesn't ask what he wants to know. And EP-Happy resents the intrusion. She's suspicious of his interest, like she learned to be suspicious of her mother's. She answers, guardedly, and ignores him.
But my husband persists. He asks to see what she's working on. He questions her choices. He makes suggestions.
EP-Happy gets sucked into the box, and all of my defenses rise to protect her. I know precisely what is happening, but it is still difficult to resist. I call him a controlling parent (that's the best I can do) and tell him that I feel defensive and hope he just LEAVES ME ALONE so I can be EP-Happy again.
EP-Happy's father is good at making suggestions and telling her she's doing it wrong. Even better than EP-Happy's mother. Sometimes, depending on his mood, he called her bad names and almost always blamed this abuse on her. EP-Happy can't cope with this sort of behaviour in her parent, so she tries to pick it out in all other people with the hope that this time we'll be able to defend ourselves.
Truthfully, my husband was being insensitive. I work with children; they are praise sponges. I spend an hour every week giving young girls opportunities to take responsibility and to express themselves, and I support them with (some) direction and (lots of) praise. I may be an adult, and he might be an adult, but we never lose our need for unconditional acceptance on behalf of our loved ones.
Did you hear that?
If you are unsure how to respond about the purse your daughter is making because you think it's the ugliest thing on earth, why not praise her INITIATIVE? Her DEDICATION? Her CREATIVITY? Her MOTIVATION? Her AMBITION? Or better yet, ask her what it means to her? Don't like the beads? Ask her what it means TO HER. Make HER matter, even if the purse doesn't.
It's not really that difficult. Or maybe it is. I know I have to work hard at being kind, at seeing people and making them matter to me. But I'm also working with an incomplete toolkit, having grown up in a household where being kind and supportive and emotionally aware weren't even in my parents' vocabulary. If I can bootstrap myself out of that mess, surely the more well-adjusted of you can develop that basic level of kindness?
We all just want to be seen, even (and especially) through our defenses.
It's funny how so many parents can struggle with that simple concept. Yesterday I watched my husband play to his mother some songs he had written and her comment on how he should take it down a key or practise the plucking notes or that he should do this or that. Why couldn't she just see the good in what he was doing and acknowledge it?
ReplyDeleteI guess once you are able to learn that internal acceptance and encouragement for yourself and your parts, maybe other people's praise won't be so important.