The Control Freak vs EP-Happy

I had a Very Important Meeting yesterday for something I want Very Much but it is also Very Scary. It has been challenging to express and manage the obsessive thoughts afterwards. If I don't let them dominate my mind, they interject themselves into otherwise benign conversations and daydreams.

"I nervous." I'm incapable of verbs. When it comes to emotions, I regress. "I scared."

I also excited, because I know I did well. It's good to be nervous about it. It is an accurate reflection of my lack of confidence. I felt honest and eager in that meeting, and I'm positive I communicated that. I will be so disappointed if I don't get this opportunity, but at the same time, I know there will be plenty of ways to remain involved and learn more over the next year.

Thought substitution. I've been using this technique on overdrive this month, but especially the last 24 hours.

An article on shrinking the Inner Critic with some helpful notes on recognising 'attacks'.

Here is a list of 14 common inner critic attacks divided into the key categories of perfectionism and endangerment. Each is paired with a healthier (and typically more accurate) thought-substitution response.

PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS

Perfectionism
My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

All-or-None & Black-and-White Thinking
I reject extreme or overgeneralized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative happenstance does not mean I am stuck in a never-ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me as “always” or “never” this or that, are typically grossly inaccurate.

Self-Hate, Self-Disgust & Toxic Shame
I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.

Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/Looping/Over-Futurizing
I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is “good enough”, and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” - The Serenity Prayer

Unfair/Devaluing Comparisons
To others or to one’s most perfect moments. I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. I will not compare “my insides to their outsides”. I will not judge myself for not being at peak performance all the time. In a society that pressure us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.

Guilt
Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”.

"Shoulding”
I will substitute the words “want to” for “should” and only follow this imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under legal, ethical or moral obligation.

Overproductivity/Workaholism/Busyholism
I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

Harsh Judgments of Self & Others/Name-Calling
I will not let the bullies and critics of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or abuse others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to them onto myself or current people in my life. “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself”. - Jane Eyre

ENDANGERMENT ATTACKS

Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondrisizing
I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not “in trouble” with my parents. I will not blow things out of proportion. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks.

Negative Focus
I renounce over-noticing & dwelling on what might be wrong with me or life around me. I will not minimize or discount my attributes. Right now, I notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many gifts Life offers me, e.g., friends, nature, music, film, food, beauty, color, pets, etc.

Time Urgency
I am not in danger. I do not need to rush. I will not hurry unless it is a true emergency. I am learning to enjoy doing my daily activities at a relaxed pace.

Disabling Performance Anxiety
I reduce procrastination by reminding myself that I will not accept unfair criticism or perfectionist expectations from anyone. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions.

Perseverating About Being Attacked
Unless there are clear signs of danger, I will thought-stop my projection of past bully/critics onto others. The vast majority of my fellow human beings are peaceful people. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection if threatened by the few who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support.

I am particularly bad at the time urgency, self-hate, negative focus, over-productivity, and obsessing. But at least I know the signs and am working on them.

I think I've done a fair job mediating between the Control Freak and the EP-Happy, which is no small feat. I hide my positive emotions pretty darn well, because of a terrible fear that people will abuse me for them or take them away. So the Inner Bully does it for them, because the Control Freak can manage the Inner Bully. It can't manage the Outer Bullies. And if I'm already sad and scared because of the Inner Bully, what can the Outer Bullies possibly say to make me feel worse? At least I feel in control. Sad, but in control.

Now there aren't any Outer Bullies, and the Control Freak is, well, a bit out of control. But without her, the Inner Bully isn't contained.

I'm trying to love all of my parts. But the hardest of those to love is EP-Happy. She's a stranger to me. I haven't spent time as her in years and years. It is uncomfortable and scary, to sit with Happiness and Hope and Interest and Desire without the Control Freak managing it all and with the Inner Bully waiting for the opportunity to pounce.

EP-Happy is so fragile and young and insecure. She can't communicate like me. She doesn't understand. She wants to trust people. She wants to be close to people, to feel loved. She remembers what that feels like. I remember what that feels like.

But EP-Happy and EP-Sad are still so very far apart. We can't yet sit together. But we will. Sooner than we all think.