My Reply

Well, after the last few weeks of therapeutic bliss I think I've gotten a bit cocky. It took overwhelming emotion to provide me with enough critical mass to overcome my deepest fear and send that email to my mum... and of course there are a whole new set of overwhelming emotions in its wake.

I am cradled in self-awareness. This would not be possible had I not learned how to contain my feelings and take care of myself in distress. It's still not as nice as being comforted by the unconditional love of a Real Mom or the empathic containment of a trained Therapist or even the sensitive acceptance of a concerned Friend.

There is something about letting someone bear witness to your experiences that grounds you in the world. This is important.

"You know what I've realised?" I pondered out the window. "I've had all of the ingredients for coping inside me all along. I just needed to do it with someone."

My therapist laughed.

I'm not convinced she understood me fully, but she does appreciate how vital making connections is for my mental well-being. I share so much on this blog, it can be easy for readers to forget how deeply isolated I was and still am. I think that is the miracle here. I think that is why I believe in my own resilience now, where I didn't six months ago.

I managed a reply this morning. 24 hours isn't such a bad turnaround, when you think about it.

Thanks for your reply, mum. It's still very difficult for me to take all of that in, and I'm not sure what to say. It scares me to hear you say that you love the woman I've become, because the woman I've become is, yes, independent and successful, but also incredibly isolated, unhappy, unhealthy and hurt.

I am glad you like video-chatting, but I don't like doing the videos because I feel under scrutiny, like an animal at the zoo. It is difficult for me to relax and be myself.

I do want to get to know you better, and I do want to open up more to you. But it's scary! I can't think of anything else in the world I'm more terrified of. It will take time. If you want to better understand what I experience, this FAQ is a good start:

http://www.isst-d.org/education/faq-dissociation.htm

I understand if reading it makes you anxious or upset or confused or ____. I'm not scared of your feelings and my only expectation from you is that you make an effort to share them with me, as I will try my best to share mine with yours (no matter how scary they are). I want to focus on the present and will try to include you more in my current and future experiences.

Today is Drew's birthday. He opened the presents earlier this morning and was very excited with all of them. I'm sure he'll thank you himself later. Tell my cousin we said hi and that we miss them and hope they will enjoy the fair for us this year and please send us pictures. I don't feel up to video-chatting with anyone today but look forward to video chatting in the future.

love,

Eliza

I still feel dangerously disconnected, but I continue to practice everything I've learned and I know: the terror (overwhelming though it sometimes is) has been contained. It will only grow smaller from here.