Now we are getting somewhere.

After all that talk about EP-Happy, you'll never guess what happened on the way to work. I was battling obsessive thoughts about my Big Day yesterday, as expected. But then...

I felt..

Wait for it...




A SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT.

I had to pull my car over, because it felt so special and new and exciting and scary that I started to cry out of nerves and relief.

I knew immediately, then, that no one ever acknowledged how challenging things were or should have been for me. I was always Gifted, Smart, Capable. Life was Easy, No Big Deal. Nothing was ever Confusing or Unclear or Difficult to Understand. I wasn't allowed to struggle. I was allowed to ask questions, to get things wrong, but I wasn't allowed to try hard. To try hard.. and to fail, yes, but more importantly: to try hard and to be scared.

I wasn't allowed to be scared. "You can do anything!" Positive affirmation becomes invalidation of fear.

I've got a handgrip on Happy now.

The flashbacks leaking into my days are changing. The last one made me smile.